Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.

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Mon Apr 20

04/20/09 - Gates List.com

Gates List.com

Why should Craig have all the fun?

(BE ADVISED: All of the following ads are real, genuine postings, and not an attempt to trick you into coming to a hotel so I can kill you. That’s not how I roll. Thank you.)

Employment

· A GOOD CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IMPERSONATION for use in production of short video films

· MUSICIANS for a comedy lounge combo (working title “The Virgin Connie Swail”)—positions include guitarist, percussion, keyboardist/piano, standup bass, and (faux European accent) “Flugelhorn and Perfect Rapping over top of song”.

· SPIRIT ANIMAL—large, oddly-shaped mammals or avians preferred

· ASSOCIATE PRODUCER for the JAMES GATES SHOW—duties include assisting in various aspects of production and putting up with my crazy, constantly-on-the-verge-of-nervous-breakdown ass.

Wanted

· MOSES/A. LINCOLN OUTFIT with beard, stovepipe hat, and one stone tablet Emancipation Proclamation

· MAGIC 8-BALL with a Southern twang—answers will include “I reckon”; “Hell no”; “Y’all check back on that”; and “All signs point to ‘Huh?’”

· FREE MONEY TREES—pretty self-explanatory…if not, you don’t deserve one.

· A NEW BIG, RIDICULOUS CHARITY EVENT like Hands Across America

Singles

· SWM, Jesus-aged (but not as hairy), enjoys movies, music and the wider definition of sodomy; looking for a lady (or ladies) that’s down for “fun” and not too hung up on punctuality and the whole “things making sense” deal…tolerance of smoking a plus; tolerance of weed smoking while not participating a Double Plus with a Gold Star (that’s just awesome). No chicken enthusiasts, please.

For more details, please text LIST to (316) 992-7922, or call (ask for Nick Rivers)…you can also drop an email to jgates01@gmail.com.

Happy hunting!