09/16/09 - Snapshot 4 - Kanye West Bit, 09/15
Snapshot 4 – Kanye West Bit, 09/15
The following is, to the best of my memory, a transcript of one of the bits I performed last night at the ICT COMEDY show at Blue Lounge…and if you weren’t there, it’s time to start rethinking your priorities. Seriously—if you have THE OFFICE on DVD, that means you can watch it anytime! Get your ass off the couch and be part of the real world! We’re waiting for you… (Be advised: adult language follows.)
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For those of you who don’t know, my name is James Gates. I’m the “alternative” comedian of ICT COMEDY…which usually means I’m the guy they have go on first, just in case the shit goes wrong. But tonight they let me go last, which is cool, because I’ve been fucking with all the other comedians all night, telling them I’m gonna pull a Kanye during their bit—“I’m gonna let you get back to it in a minute, but first I just wanna say, Biggs’s bit on bacon is better than this!”
(Incidentally, trying saying “Biggs’s bit on bacon is better” 10 times fast… see, everybody thinks this is an easy job—hell, we’re coming up with new tongue twisters, just for you…)
Let me ask, by show of hands or applause, who saw or heard about what Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the VMAs this past weekend? (pause; most everyone applauds) Okay, now how many of you felt what Kanye did was stupid or wrong? (pause; everyone applauds again) Alright, one more question: Why do you care?
I mean, seriously— there’s four black people in the room currently…I’m gonna take a gamble and say nobody here is related to Kanye West. It’s not like you can be personally embarrassed by what he did…so why do you care what the hell he did to whoever? I say let the man do his job. Why? Because he’s the Thomas Edison of fucking up, that’s why! He’s brilliant! He is constantly coming up with new and exciting ways to fuck it up, and testing them out on an audience of millions. It’s beautiful!
I mean, do you know what it means when the President calls you a jackass, in public? That’s like the Purple Heart of fucking up! It’s the highest honor a civilian can attain in that particular field, and Kanye got it! I am riveted! I’m just sitting back, like “Go, man, go! I have no idea how you’re gonna top this one, but I have faith in your abilities! Whatever you want—ride a giraffe naked through Times Square, hijack an airplane, go piss on the Queen of England, kill the Loch Ness Monster…I don’t care, let’s DO this!!”
And it could just be September’s a bad month for him… ‘cause I don’t know if you remember, but Kanye ran into some trouble about this time last year. There was a whole controversy about him attacking some paparazzi in an airport on September 11th. Let’s go over that one more time— he went apeshit, and attacked a bunch of people with cameras, inside an AIRPORT, on SEPT. 11TH… that is a brilliant stroke of fucking up! Beat THAT, O.J. Simpson!
And by the way, if you actually feel sorry for Taylor Swift in all of this, you’re a fucking idiot, straight up… First of all, she just won an award; no matter what else happened, she left that night with a trophy— think she’s losing sleep over what Kanye West thinks of her? And second, she’s probably gonna sell an extra 10,000 records this week, just out of sympathy. Sympathy!! And she’s a country music star, so that means her main demographic is lower-to-middle income, blue collar workers. People living hand-to-mouth and worried about layoffs are gonna be spending their money because they feel sorry for a skinny white bitch from Hollywood that makes more money than God! MORE MONEY THAN GOD!!
I can’t stress that last part enough— ‘cause little-known fact: God didn’t do it for the money. He did it for the love…
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And for the record, I don’t care what you say about 808s & Heartbreaks, there were still a couple of bangers on there,
JG
P.S.: The TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE is returning with new shows in October— dates to be announced soon!
