Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Mon Sep 7

09/07/09 - Year of Lessons

Year of Lessons

(Pretty self-explanatory—these are 12 lessons that I happened to learn during these particular months…)

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in JANUARY: Never let a lady touch your memory stick…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in FEBRUARY: There is no Black Future Month, so during History month you gotta give it up for both…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in MARCH: Just like the saying goes— in like a lion, out like a nervous breakdown…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in APRIL: The Easter Bunny’s not Catholic— hell, he isn’t even real (but being him is a sweaty job…)

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in MAY: Provided you have the right windows for a good air flow, you can have sex all month…

·      Lesson I’ve Learned in JUNE: (slow, deep “Tonto” voice) White Man turn Red fast in Sun…and not in good way…

·      Lesson Learned in JULY: Never perform on July 11th if your name is James Gates (maybe I’m forgetting to sacrifice a virgin…)

·      Lesson Learned in AUGUST: Apparently, August is National Vandalism Month (heat turns people into douchebags or something…)

·      Lesson Learned in SEPTEMBER: At a certain point in the year, guys stop wearing flip-flops, and thank God for that…

·      Lesson Learned in OCTOBER: Halloween, by far the sexiest of holidays- girls are double-DTF for the whole 2 weeks around it…

·      Lesson Learned in NOVEMBER: Thanksgiving- the perfect holiday for depression (and helps set the tone for the rest of year)…

·      Lesson Learned in DECEMBER: Having a birthday on the equidistant point between Xmas and New Year’s sucks all of your balls…

Trying to learn something new every day—for example, today’s lesson: the movie STARGATE does not actually get better with age (we’re hoping a better lesson comes along later today, but sometimes you get what you get…),

JG