08/17/09 - PASTBLAST - Advice For My Child
PASTBLAST – Advice for My Child
(Another one from the “early days”—this is one of the first monologues I wrote/performed with PANIC BUTTONS, and was also among the first solo pieces I did when I began visiting the local Open Mics… wanna hear it? Here it go… )
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Hello there. So, I don’t have any kids—(pause; considering) Yeah, I’m going stick with that answer… And that’s okay, because I don’t really feel ready for kids right now. And by “right now”, I mean “while the earth is in its current form”. I mean, talk to me about it after the Apocalypse, I might be more interested. Hell, I’ll probably be up for a lot of things in the post-Apocalyptic future. That’s kinda how that goes. You gotta be adaptable, you know, like Tina Turner…
Anyway, despite this lack of desire, I recently imagined what it would be like to be a parent. Specifically, what would I say—what kind of wisdom could I impart to the theoretical fruit of my looms. Here goes:
First, I would tell them to shut up. Sure, it may seem harsh, but I think we can all agree that “Shut up” is a vitally important lesson in this day and age. And you want to get it in early, while they’re still picking up the whole talking habit in the first place. Seriously, you’ve got one good shot at this—you either get it ingrained now, or spend the next 15 years buying A.D.D. medications…
As a responsible parent, I’ll be sure to hammer that first lesson home… that way, as my little bundle of consequences heads off to school, they’ll have a head start on Lesson Two: DON’T STAND OUT. You see, people like to belong, and they want you to belong as well. (Which actually means “Stop being different”…) Luckily, there are representatives within all forms of society that identify deviants, and attempt to correct their misguided behaviors. They’re called “Bullies”. I know, education should start at home, but these are stressful times, and I think many of us neglect to see just how formative that constant rejection and humiliation can be for a developing child.
In fact, I think it’s very important as a parent to begin having long, unexplained absences from the home as soon as possible. Really put some effort into it…I mean, leaving for a month in the middle of the night is great—leaving in the middle of dinner is better. And when I came back, I’d have a moustache, or a slightly different haircut, so they’d always wonder in the back of their head if I’m not actually an imposter.
And when they ask me about it, it’s the perfect chance to address Lesson Three: Nothing stays the same, Sweetie, not even Daddy… Let’s be honest here: humans are walking contradictions. That’s reality. And I wouldn’t deny my child that. I want them to see the world for the beautiful, constantly shifting kaleidoscope it is. That way, when I leave their ass in the dust, they’ll understand. More importantly, they’ll be better prepared for the cycle of abandoned and abandoning lovers to which they’ll be accustomed for most of their life.
So, shut up, don’t be different, and nothing lasts. That’s what I’d say. (starts to walk off; comes back) Oh, one more thing—I’m currently accepting donations for my vasectomy. There’s a container up there on the bar… no pressure; just give what you can. Thank you.
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Doing my part to fight overpopulation,
JG
