Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Mon Jul 13

07/13/09 - Things I’d Like To Yell From The Bathroom #2

Things I’d Like to Yell from the Bathroom #2

I stopped writing for a week to go out and feed my performance jones (I’d claim about 75% success on that).  I’m back in the laboratory this week, but as you wait for the new new, here’s Part 2 of another of my Open Mic favorites—the “Things I’d Like To Yell From The Bathroom” series…for those who didn’t catch #1, setup’s simple—these are kind of things that I just feel like screaming out to the world sometimes… not to a particular person, or any person, really; the ideal scenario for me would to be alone on top of a hill or in some remote field, just bellowing.  Barring that option, I figured going into the bathroom with the microphone was the next best thing, so that’s what I did, more than once, actually…)

  • I MAKE BAD DECISIONS VERY WELL!
  • EVERY PERSON I’VE EVER KNOWN HAS BEEN PISSED AT ME AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER!  AND MOST OF THE TIME, I DESERVED IT!
  • MY LEGS ARE THE THIRD WHITEST THINGS EVER!
  • I’M CONSTANTLY IMAGINING CONFRONTATIONS THAT I’M COMPLETELY UNPREPARED FOR WHEN THEY HAPPEN!
  • SOMEDAY I HOPE TO SHAVE EVERY DAY, JUST LIKE A BIG BOY!
  • I SOMETIMES FORGET HOW DIFFERENT I AM, UNTIL I GO INTO A WAL-MART!
  • WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT PICTURING ME NAKED?  YOU’RE FUCKING WITH MY WHOLE WORLD VIEW HERE!
  • I CAN’T AFFORD TO DRINK ENOUGH TO PROPERLY LOWER MY STANDARDS!
  • STOP SMILING AT ME!  YOU’RE GOING TO THROW MY FLYER AWAY AS SOON AS I LEAVE, AREN’T YOU, YOU PUSSYFUCK!  GOD!  YOU JUST SUCK AT LIVING, YOU KNOW THAT?
  • LISTEN!  IT’S NOT ME!  I’M NOT THAT GUY!  I’M THE OTHER GUY!  AT LEAST, I THOUGHT I WAS…
  • YOU KNOW, YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, IN THE HOPES ONE OF THEM WILL SCREW UP AND SLEEP WITH YOU BY ACCIDENT—BUT NO!!  IT DOESN’T WORK!
  • GIANT HOLE INSIDE ME… JUST FILL!  WHAT THE HELL DO YOU NEED, SERIOUSLY?  ‘CAUSE I WON’T DO POWDERS FOR YOU!
  • I AM MORE LIKE KANYE WEST THAN ANYONE YOU KNOW!  AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, THAT LAST ALBUM STILL HAD A COUPLE OF BANGERS ON IT!!  WHAT!?! GHOST, BITCHES!  Y’ALL CAN’T SEE ME!!  YOU CAN’T SEE ME!! (pops collar, starts doing the “Maury Povich ‘Baby’s Not Mine’ Dance”)

Honestly, I love doing the “Maury Povich ‘Baby’s Not Mine’ Dance”,

JG