Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Fri Jul 3

07/03/09 - I Surrender 4b - Reparations to Ladies, #3-4

I Surrender 4b - Reparations to Ladies, 3-4

(Same setup as yesterday—the following are public apologies addressed to certain ladies who I’ve (mostly) unsuccessfully hollered at over the last couple of years, with names changed to protect potentially offended parties, including my ego… )

To The Lady I Offered to Take On a Giraffe With

Oh, come on!  That would’ve been the shit, girl!  You know, we’d be crawling up all stealthy and shit, and it’s just there, right, eating some leaves off a tree… and then, BOOM!  You jump on my shoulders and just punch that motherfucker in the neck, hard (like it gave you a compliment or something)!  Then it’s on…  I grab the front legs and start giving uppercuts, and you jump on its back, reach up, grab one of those knobby antler-things, and just start killing the back of the head!  Uh!  Uh!  Now the Jet Li-MATRIX shit happens.  You jump off its back, bounce off a tree, and do this spin move.  Meanwhile, I’m doing leg sweeps underneath the giraffe, so just as it’s losing its balance, you come back and just kick him square in the side… BOOM!!  Down!  And then we have sex.  Hot, monkey-based, “we just fucked up a giraffe” sex.  Animals actually stop and take notes in the dirt about what we’re doing, it’s that hot.

          I don’t really know what I’m sorry about here, except maybe that I suggested we take on a giraffe too soon.  It’s a big step; I get that.  I guess what I’m really sorry about is that I still think about giraffes.  There, I said it.  And it’s all cool, I’m working through it.  We’re gonna be great buddies.  I mean, I think about making out with all my buddies… Working through it…             

          Girl, you KNOW my rapping is the shit!

To the “Goddamn It Girl”

          Goddamn it… I am so confused!

You know, I sat down with the universe a while back.  I said, “Universe, I’m not going to lie to you.  I’d like to have sex now.  Nothing serious or long-term—just exciting, interesting, intelligent women, and lots of flesh.  Just thought I’d be straight-up about it.”  And the universe said, “I appreciate your honesty.  In fact, I’ve got a little something special for guys like you.”

          “Oh yeah?”

          “Oh yeah.  Be on the lookout.  She’s gonna be hot, and smart, and funny, and not offended by you or your lifestyle.”

          “Word?”

          “Word life, son.  And you know what else?  She’s gonna let you touch her… but just a little bit.”

          “Well, why just a little bit?”

          “I dunno…  What are you asking me for?  You know, she’s a human being, too!  Maybe she’s got her own shit going on!  You ever think of that?  God, you’re selfish! (quick beat) But she is hot, isn’t she?  I mean, you saw when she bent over, right?”

          “You’re fucking with me again, aren’t you, Universe?”

          “Yes I am.”

          So, sorry… sorry you’re being used by the universe as an instrument to fuck with me.  Who knows, maybe it’s playing both of us against the other.  Wouldn’t be surprised.  But that’s all the more reason you should break a little something off—to spite the universe.

          Besides… Girl, you KNOW my rapping is the shit!

The “I Surrender” series ends tomorrow with Part 5,

JG