Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Wed Jul 1

07/01/09 - I Surrender 3 - Trade Secrets

I Surrender 3 – Trade Secrets

          Okay… Condition #2 of the terms of surrender for the Battle of the Sexes states you must divulge any and all advice or “trade secrets” you may have received from fellow soldiers on the front lines.  This is pretty standard—it’s one of the ways they keep up with movements in the field, all that.  Now, some of the brothers in arms may be a little upset about me giving up the classified info, without even the threat of torture.  And to them I say, “Motherfucker, did you not hear me at the beginning?  I give up.  Besides, if I knew anything worth knowing, do you think I’d be doing this shit right now?”  So fucking chill.  You got yours.  I’m the one filling out paperwork for fucking Amnesty International…

          Anyway, this is a handful of quotes and short exchanges where certain tips and advice were offered to me in recent months.  I soak up info from a lot of sources, so they are reconstructed to the best of my ability.  And to protect the identities of the people who gave the advice, I will pronounce their name in the “Little Dancing Bastard from the Black Lodge” dialect from the television show TWIN PEAKS (Season 2 of which is now on DVD and makes a great gift.).  Away we go…

  • One thing I heard from multiple sources was “Women are easy”, which I was excited to find out.  However, in practice, I’m not sure that’s the case.  I think women might actually be quite complex.  But I’m not an expert, just a fan.
  • “It’s good to lower your standards.”  -Esoog
  • “It’s not that hard.  You just talk to them.”  -Hsoj
  • “Dude, close the deal.”

“Yeah, but—“

“James… close the deal.”  -Dahc

  • “You know what helps is being ‘The Cool Guy’.”  -don’t remember
  • “Just go up to a woman, stick two fingers in, wiggle ‘em around a little bit, pull ‘em out, do a wipe-smell, and say ‘That’ll do.’”

“Really?”

“Yes.”  -Xior

  • “Dude, just watch Yrret… watch him!  He just smiles at the girls, and they come on over.”       -Hsoj (said at a Hooters)
  • “Hey, hey, hey—Mmmm!  Mmmm!”  -Neb

The other thing I did hear from multiple sources was to “be patient”, which is solid, sage advice, and I want to laugh in people’s faces every time I hear it.  To me, that’s like saying to a castaway “Hey, welcome back!  What?  No, we don’t eat for another two weeks.  Feel free to look around, though.”  I mean, to each his own, but I’m not really interested in debating the merits or overall hollowness of casual dating right now.  Hell, just bringing it up’s making me lose my chubby.  But you know, that’s okay, because I give up, so I won’t be needing my chubby anymore.  It’s gonna be like the guest towels in the bathroom, just hanging there for people to look at, maybe admire the floral pattern.

To be continued,

JG