Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Tue Jun 30

06/30/09 - I Surrender 2 - Bar Napkins

I Surrender 2 – Bar Napkins

(Continuing my “I Surrender” series…  I call my pickup lines “bar napkins”, because that’s where I usually scratch them down.  Enjoy, and if you’re able to get any use out of them, hey, more power to you…)

·      So… you like cripple porn?

·      Mmmm… Girl, you’d make a penguin get sunburnt.

·      (suggestively) Hey… you like Dickens?  NO!!  No… Charles… Charles… my name’s Charles…

·      (vintage 1920s come-on)  Say Pally, that Flapper’s got a nice flapper… 

·      Hey, you wanna come over and watch my R. Kelly video collection?

·      My bologna has a first name, it’s B-A-N-J-O; my bologna has a second name, it’s Jean-Philippe.

·      Mmmm… Girl, you’d make a nun host a gangbang.

·      Let’s put the “me” back in sodomy.

·      I wanna love you retarded, girl.  You gonna win a medal… of course, every girl I do that to gets a medal, ‘cause it’s special…

·      …See, I like you, and I like pants, but I just don’t think they should be in the same room together.

·      Life is a highway, and your clit is a lighthouse.  I think that makes the taint a bowling alley.

·      Mmmm… Girl, you make spelling sexy.

·      It was then… after the fourth time you looked over at me and didn’t come over—that’s when I knew you were the one.

·      Take it from me… (no, that’s it.)

·      Ask me about my new single coming out—“Ooh Girl (I Wanna Fuck It Up Wit’ You [Tonite])”

·      Just think of everything we could shave together…

·      You won’t bed me, because you know you’ll lose—big time…

·      There’s no wet spot with me—it’s all chunky.

·      You look like you’d smack Tim Burton just for livin’.  That’s hot.

·      Mmmm… Girl, you look like you could cure scurvy.

·      I thought I should tell you, I’ve started referring to your “Delta region” as “The Snuffaluffagus”.

·      YOUR RIDICULOUS COME-ON HERE —- KL5-3292

·      Dear Tits:  Tits, those tits are some tits!  Titty!  Titfully yours, Titty T. Titterson, Esq.  (P.S.:  Yes, I have my own practice…)

·      Mmmm… Girl, you’d make a Pez dispenser give taffy.

·      I’ll let you put it anywhere… just comb it first.

·      You’re in luck—I’m a psychic gynecologist.

·      Have you seen 2001: A Space Odyssey?  Well, the Monolith is in my pants.  Open the pod bay doors, Hal…

·      Pull my finger… Okay, just smell it.

·      Mmm… Girl, you’d make a Tonka truck turn lesbian.

·      Lady wanted: must cry directly into camera; simultaneous eating preferred.

·      (droning) I WAS JUST STARING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL…

·      Listen girl, I’ve got a half-pint of Crazy—you bring the MAD Magazines, and we’ll fuck it up.

·      …See, I’m not like those other guys who’ll just treat you like a one-night stand—I’m gonna come back 4 or 5 more times before I drop ya, ‘cause I like the wicky-ticky…

·      Mmm…  Girl, I wanna clear your sinuses.

·      You’re magnetic… When you walk in a room, all compasses point to your titties.

·      (looking down at crotch) It’s scary, bitch….

·      Well, you’re hot.  And you’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life.

·      They call me “The Trampoline”—catch me on the rebound for some good bouncy-bouncy…

·      Mmm… Girl, you need some Icy Hot for that?

·      (into woman’s crotch) LET ME IN!!!

·      I can make sculptures of mighty sea creatures with my semen… okay, just jellyfish so far, but I am practicing…

·      Clark Farlburgh, S.D.D.S.—I’m a sex dentist.  I’ve come to check your cavities… for cavities…

·      Mmm… Girl, I got liquor and no mixer…

·      I’d like to shake hands with your titties.  No wait, I’m sorry—I mean, I’d like to shake your titties with my hands.

·      Mmm… Girl, I wanna put you in a sex rebus.

·      Be my Fred.

·      Who likes fish omlets?

Part 3 coming tomorrow—see you then!

JG