Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Mon Jun 29

06/29/09 - PASTBLAST - I Surrender to Nobody

PASTBLAST - I Surrender to Nobody

(Falling into the category of “One of my favorite bits that I’ll probably never get to do effectively in front of an audience again”…this is actually the intro piece to a short series I wrote and performed a couple of years ago, which I will slowly unfurl over the next few days…love it!)

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          I have an announcement to make—I give up.  I’m going to stop trying to have sex. Thank you, thank you… I always knew I could do it.  Now, this announcement applies to women mostly, but as time has marched on, let’s just say the field of availability is beginning to widen, and that’s part of why I’ve decided that now is the right time to pack it in.  I feel like this is a mature decision, made for me by the will of the people, and who am I to argue with that?  So, officially, for the record, I offer my surrender.

          See, funny thing about that… Part of the problem is, there’s nobody for me to surrender to.  I’ve actually been trying to surrender for about a week now, but I don’t really know the proper channels…  Honestly, I’m not even sure if the other side knows or particularly cares that I’ve called off the offensive.  But I have… in fact, to commemorate the end of major operations, I donned a flightsuit, landed a jet on the Black Hole in my living room, and gave an inspirational speech to my cats.  I thanked them for their service and gave them little treats, there was a moment of silence… it was touching.

          I mean, I know I could just quietly retreat from the field; step back, go find a dictionary, look up “dignity” again and try to memorize it this time… But it doesn’t capture the feeling of capitulation I’ve got going, you know?  I mean, you got me… It feels like there should be some kind of conditions, terms of surrender.  So I made some up, and do feel free to use them yourself, if they tickle your wickle.

Terms of Surrender for the Battle of the Sexes

1 AND 2 - DISARMAMENT

  • 1:  You have to surrender all your pick-up lines.
  • 2:  You must divulge any advice and/or “trade secrets” you may have received during your time on the front lines.

3 AND 4 - RECONSTRUCTION

  • 3:  You must address selected members of the opposite side and offer verbal reparations for any unorthodox and/or unsavory behaviors.
  • 4:  You must compose a somewhat-uncomfortable-to-listen-to poem of no more than 72 lines summing up and expressing your feelings of frustration.

TERM #5 is a secret condition to be revealed in the bonus round.

There you have it.  So as we go along, I’ll be trying to fulfill these terms, so the other side knows I’m serious… I’m done, I’m no threat.  Well, unless you think I’m a threat, then maybe you should take me to one of your camps… Hell, I’ve been trying to find the camps anyway; this could work out all around…

          Okay, no.  This is why I’m giving up.  But I’m gonna get this done, just in between stuff, so watch out.

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Intrigued?  On the edge of your seat?  Tune in tomorrow—same Gates-time, same Gates-channel!

JG