Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Fri
Jun
26
Things I’ve Never Wanted to Hear in Bed
And now, one month after “Things I Always Wanted to Hear in Bed” (http://jamesgates.tumblr.com/post/113048088), the companion piece…
Hello, I’m James Gates. And these are a few of the things I’ve never wanted to hear in bed:
- “Break my nose.”
- “Welcome… to the Mossy Garden.”
- “I feel like I’m about to miscarriage.”
- “You should thank me… I taught your dad that move.”
- (queasily) “…I just puked on it…”
- “Do you have a problem with your friends getting involved? Oh, too bad…”
- “Can you give me five minutes? I have to shit.”
- “Look, are you in it to win it, or not?”
- “I’m a drug mule… tell me if you feel any condoms up there.”
- “Put it in the cigar-cutter!” (However you want to take that, I don’t like it…)
- “Don’t worry, there’s no feeling down there—just plow away…”
- “Mmmm… I want to taste your taintlings…”
- “Listen—I think we need to have a talk about goals and your future in this vagina…”
…And of course, “Nah—kinda what I thought it’d be.” Thank you for your time. I’m James Gates.
Doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it ‘til I’m satisfied,
JG
