Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.

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Sun Jun 21

06/21/09 - PASTBLAST - Charlton Heston

PASTBLAST - Charlton Heston

This one goes back to what I call “the beginning”—it’s one of the first pieces I wrote and performed for the PANIC BUTTONS shows of 2006. Almost three years later, I still get a giggle out of it…unfortunately, with Mr. Heston passing on last year, it’s an idea that must be laid to rest as well. Not that it’d be tasteless (any more than it already is); some jokes just don’t work the same if the guy’s dead…

But before putting it out to pasture (alongside such bits as my hit song “Christopher Reeve’s a Pussy” and the OJ Simpson-penned “If I Did It / Choose Your Own Adventure” book series), here’s one last look:

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(CHARLTON HESTON comes out, holding a 2-CD jewel case in his hands.)

CHARLTON: Hello, I’m Charlton Heston. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting forty-five years for me to orgasm. Well, last year, thanks to generous donations from the good people of the N.R.A. and a team of Italian sled dogs, I finally did it…and Columbia House was there to capture the entire eleven-hour moment. (holds up jewel case) They’ve collected the highlights in this lovingly packaged 3-CD set, The Charlton Heston Achieves Orgasm Collection.

Yes, all your favorites are here—“The Quiver”, “The Tickle”, “The Slow Build”, “The First Moan”—(moans slowly) …On to more advanced maneuvers, such as “The Trapeze”, “The Undercarriage”, and “The Yellow Fellow”.

(Around this time LIZA MINNELLI comes out in a flow-y, bathrobe-type outfit. She’s got a toilet with her, which she sets down. She then pulls down her panties and sits.)

CHARLTON: And if you act now, you’ll also receive, free of charge, Liza Minnelli: the Shithouse Sessions. Recorded live from Liza’s “yellow tea room” during one of her eight-hour reflective stools, the pill-popping impresario herself describes her daily and weekly routine, to the four feet of air in front of her face.

LIZA: Tuesday mornings I wake up, usually inside the television… I have a nurse stop the bleeding, then I go in the kitchen. Whichever husband is there sets up my pill trough, and pours milk and Cookie Crisps into it. Forty-five minutes later, I’m passed out underneath the sink. When I wake up, I like to grab whatever’s in front of me and spray it in people’s faces. Anyone, really—the cook, the maid, all the husbands in the room…whoever I run into… because I’m running, Daddy, I’m running! Momma won’t catch me this time…

CHARLTON: …So order now. It’s a wonderful, slightly violating experience you’ll want to share again and again. Sweet God and me, I know I do.

(Blackout) END

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Ah, good times…I miss doing sketch comedy regularly. Think it’s about time to fix that…