Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.

•

Fri Jun 19

06/19/09 - Twitter Theme Fridays

Twitter Theme Fridays

Fridays have always been a good day for doing things a little different, for mixing up the routine as you head into the weekend. Traditions vary—some people make big plans out, others stay at home and relax. Some folks go casual, and some do anal. (Okay, I’ve never actually heard of “Anal Fridays”, but I haven’t seen the porno version of THE OFFICE yet, so…)

Recently, I’ve found a way to spice up the occasional Friday—using my phone to send out hourly, themed status updates over Twitter and Facebook. The e-reception has been very positive; for my part, I feel like I’m both giving a little something back to my fellow fellows, while finding yet another way to get this crazy s#!t out of my head, before I end up wandering the streets talking to myself (more than I already do)…

Here’s the “transcript” of my last Theme Friday, from this past week…as a wise man once should’ve said, “I hope it enriches, bitches.”

8:50AM: Time for a Theme Friday! What should it be- Movie quotes? Fake trivia? Horribly embarrassing confessions? Fantasy foods? So many choices…

9AM FACT: The real reason Geo. W. Carver did all those peanut experiments? Secretly searching for new ways to kill white people.

10AM FACT: If the best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup, odds are you’re in for a s#!tty day…

11AM FACT: The first East Coast-West Coast rivalry was actually North-South—and Lincoln was Tupac.

12PM FACT: The Starbucks franchise was founded by a dashing space pilot looking for the lost 13^th Colony (Also, he was a bit of a manslut).

1PM FACT: At one point, Bigfoot & the Loch Ness Monster had an illegitimate “love child”, named Gillfoot (or Mer-quatch).

2PM FACT: You can’t be older than you weigh (unless you’re Karen Carpenter).

3PM FACT: Dropped cell phone calls are not caused by gremlins, but by satellites sneezing.

4PM FACT: According to Buddhists, the universe was the first Internet—and the current Dalai Lama is its 16^th Webmaster.

5PM FACT: Over the course of his career, the actor Val Kilmer has portrayed characters corresponding to each member of the Village People.

6PM FACT: Ownership of “The Pop-Up Kama Sutra” is a capital offense in 14 countries and provinces around the world.

7PM FACT: Lawrence-Dumont Stadium is the 7^th-oldest baseball stadium in the country (still annoying when 7,000 people show up on my block)

8PM FACT: JFK wrote an unpublished sequel to his book PROFILES IN COURAGE entitled FULL FRONTAL ASSHOLES

9PM FACT: There is no “I” in “semen”.

10PM FACT: “All roads lead to Vegas…” (The most important truth I ever learned during an acid trip—thank you, Michael _______!)

11PM FACT: “It’s funny when people get hurt—that’s the moral of the story.” (One of life’s maxims that I struggle with the most…)

12AM FACT: I have better things to do now than keep this up…good night, cats and kittens!

Continuing to build my case for “Text / Tweet Laureate”,