Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Thu Jun 18

06/18/09 - Random and Recent 6

Random and Recent 6

SUMMER COMEDY CALENDAR, PT. 1 — RANDOM LIST #3835 — STRIP CLUB MEMORIES — QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Summer Comedy Calendar, Pt. 1

The summer is upon us, and the TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE is currently on hiatus…but there’s no shortage of live comedy in the ‘Ta, as all the groups from the REVUE are gigging individually all over town! (We’re Wu-Tang like that…)  Here’s a few upcoming dates:

·      Sat, 6/20

SAY WHAT? Improv @ Mead’s Corner

(Douglas & Emporia)

10PM — 18+ to enter — NO COVER!

·      Sun, 6/28

ICT COMEDY @ Blu Nightclub

(Maple & Tyler)

Featuring standups Mr. Biggs, Jeremy Rush, & Romie Lee

10PM — 21+ to enter — $3.00 cover

·      Tues, 6/30

THE JAMES GATES SHOW #313 @ the Vagabond

614 W. Douglas

“The Guest Host Show 2009”

9:30PM — 21+ to enter — NO COVER!

…as for the SCALLYWAGS, you can catch them this Saturday at the Ice Center for T-95 DODGEBALL, and they’ll be at ANIME FEST 2009 coming up next month!  (Also, a shout-out to the plucky CASEY CHAMBERS, who has performed his one-man act/experience in local coffeehouses twice this month already—keep it up, little brother!)

Come out and support your local comedians!  Don’t just buy your funny at the Wal-Mart $5.00 Rack…support the “Ma and Pa” shops, too!

Random List #3835

OCCUPATIONS

·      River Fighter

·      Fire Tamer

·      Tofu Smoker (sounds more like an insult)

·      Quantum Janitor

·      Freelance Bitch / Pussy on Consignment

·      Volcano Shepherd

·      Mud Enhancer

·      Gravity Stylist

·      Roadkill Quality Engineer

·      Dust Bunny Wrangler

·      Astro-Therapist

·      Strawberry Rhubarb Entertainment (from another list, but I’m starting to use it in ALL my lists…it just has that “everything” ring)

Strip Club Memories

So, this last weekend I went to the strip club with a couple of my pirate buddies, my first visit to such an establishment in a long time.  How long?  Two Presidents ago, that’s how long…just never been my scene, really.  Nothing against it, or the ladies; I’ve actually dated a couple of strippers in the past.  That’s the thing, though—I never saw them in the club.  I met them both having coffee at the Denny’s after (no, not at the same time, you pervs)…

But hey, it was a Saturday night, I was with the boys; it seemed like a change of pace.  I’m always up for a sociological field trip…I scribbled down the following observations, between songs and screwdrivers:

·      Walking in, I felt timid, until I heard our arrival being announced over the house speaker system by the DJ—then I felt really timid…

·      As it turns out, the DJ is good friends with the pirates—consequently, he shouts all of our names out semi-regularly throughout the evening. (Mind you, it’s usually something along the lines of, “James Gates is here tonight, and let me tell you, he does some of the best cock-gobbling in town.  For all your cock-gobbling needs, James Gates is sitting right over there…”) Nobody seems to notice, which stands to reason—after all, we’re not up onstage shaking it (and thank God for that)…

·      Song Surprise #1—“Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor

·      ANY eye contact you make in a strip club is weird…you can never quite be sure what the other person’s thinking (just that you probably don’t want to know)

·      How’d I just KNOW I’d recognize at least one person?!?

·      One of the dancers sat down at our table for a while…before she did, however, she dropped her cigarettes off, said “I have to go poop”, and left for ten minutes.  So no, I didn’t get a lap dance…

·      Song Surprise #2—“Crucify Yourself” by Tori Amos  (Psyche!)

·      1:30—approximate elapsed time before I realized the whole venture is just silly and pointless (marked by the moment I started craving cheeseburgers more than titties)

·      But just before we left, the best part—one of the guys I came with had a Pre-Paid Lap Dance Account.  Let’s go over that one more time…PRE-PAID LAP DANCE ACCOUNT.  I was so tickled and flabbergasted by the whole concept, I didn’t even think to ask the important questions—is there a bulk rate discount?  Can you build interest?  If you get an overdraft fee, do you have to bump & grind it off?

Quote of the Week

“You say ‘Potato’, I say a racial slur…”

—Name Withheld (because he’s tired of me quoting him)

Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you backstage,

JG