06/14/09 - There’s Nothing Gay About Hunting
There’s Nothing Gay About Hunting
Okay, right off the bat, I want to reiterate that there is absolutely NOTHING gay about hunting… And just so we’re crystal clear, I’m talking about outdoor game hunting, for non-survival-based sport—there is NOTHING gay about it, and frankly, I’m a little offended by the suggestion.
I mean, honestly…to wake up at 4AM, leaving a warm bed and wife behind, to get dressed up in a bizarrely-patterned outfit (with garishly-colored accessories) and drive out to the middle of nowhere , to sit alone in a bush with another dude in a similar getup, both of you cradling your long, well-oiled, pump-action rods, ready to spray the first creature that walks into your line of sight with your little metal ejaculates…there’s not a thing weird, perverted, or deviant about any of that. And it’s certainly not gay.
I do understand, however, where the misconception comes from. You see, hunters aren’t actually gay—they’re pussies. Unfortunately, that plays on yet another misconception… studies have shown that most gay people are actually NOT pussies, and many of them could in fact kick your ass. Now, how would you and your little homophobic self-esteem issues deal with that?
But we’re getting off-point—Hunters are pussies. Yeah, I said it…I mean, hunters, you’re doing this for sport, right? Not just out of some sick kill thrill or gun fetish; you’re looking for challenge and competition, ‘cause that’s what “sport” actually is, right? Well, how the hell do you call what you do to animals anything close to a fair fight? Opposable thumbs is yesterday’s news; we’ve got bait, decoys, traps, firearms, explosives, and multiple industries devoted to supplying everything you need to keep up the slaughter for decades…and what do they have? Better senses, and luck. Come on, now…
The only way hunting could be more lopsided is if we started shooting at grizzly bears from helicopters—oh wait, they already do that in Alaska…
And don’t think this is some kind of hippie-PETA bullflap; I eat meat like a mother fucker. But seriously, you want to be a hunter? You want to prove your superiority over a beast? Then you should EARN the right to that kill…
I propose a new, three-round format to hunting, one that both evens the odds and increases the level of play as you go. And don’t worry, I’m not taking away your precious guns…in fact, you get to use them in Round One:
· 1: TRANQUILIZER / FLAG-AND-TAG – No more shooting at whatever wanders out of the woods in front of you—you pick one animal, and take it down with a tranquilizer dart. While it’s unconscious, you sneak up and tie a belt of colored flags around its midsection; this is now your prey.
· 2: “FLAG HUNTING” / OVEN MITT WRESTLING – Once the animal regains consciousness, you give it a one-to-five minute head start, depending on the size and speed of the beast and the tranq dosage used. Once that time has elapsed, you A) chase them down, and B) wrestle the flag belt off them. To assure an even hand-to-hoof/paw/claw encounter, prior to pursuit you will don a pair of oven mitts… you will also be wearing a flag belt for this round, and if the animal happens to get it off you, you have to sit out the next three weekends.
· 3: PENETRATION – Come on, you’ve wrestled the thing down, you’ve come this far…it’s time to show ‘em who’s really in charge. Duration is not an issue here—you can turtle-head in for a few seconds, or go the full nine innings…I mean, you’re off in the fucking woods…who’s gonna stop you, this animal you’re violating? (Oven mitts can be removed for this round, unless you’re into that, then whatever.)
After all of those steps have been completed, then, and ONLY then, can you kill your prey. And at that point, it’ll probably be ready to die anyway, so you’re actually doing it a favor—kinda like Old Yeller, except this dog was doing just fine before it met you…
So there you go, hunters. And if the whole deal makes hunting seem a lot more like serial killing, well, maybe it’s because that’s kinda what it actually is…
I said it! I said it! (pops collar; little dance)
JG
