Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Tue Jun 2

06/02/09 - James’s Digest Condensed Works, Vol. 2

James’s Digest Condensed Works, Vol. 2

Continuing from Volume 1 (which you can find in the March section of my blog archive)…   these are my one sentence/phrase/paragraph synopses of various books, plays, etc. (WARNING: VERY adult language follows… beholder discretion advised.)

MACBETH by William Shakespeare

“Scottish people love killing people… all types of ways, too.”

 

SPOON RIVER ANTHOLOGY by Edgar Lee Masters

“Lots of people from Illinois die, and they still won’t shut up.”

 

LE MORTE D’ARTHUR by Sir Thomas Mallory / IDYLLS OF THE KING by Alfred Lord Tennyson

“I don’t care how cool you think you are, incest messes everything up.  Also, ‘Bros before Hos’ is some bullshit.”

OEDIPUS REX by Euripedes

“Did you not hear me?  INCEST MESSES EVERYTHING UP!!  Do you even realize how fucked up your daughter’s going to be after all this?”

THE BOOK OF GENESIS by …God?

“Well, apparently, sometimes incest’s okay… if you’re propagating the species or whatever.  Just don’t get out of line, or I’ll fucking drown you.”

COLLECTED WORKS OF EDGAR ALAN POE

“You try being allergic to alcohol and an opium addict in Baltimore, see how you fucking feel about life…”

LESS THAN ZERO by Bret Easton Ellis

“Rich people take drugs, some of them not so well.  That’s where bumboys come from.”

HIGH FIDELITY by Nick Hornby

“I like listing things and hating myself.”

FIGHT CLUB by Chuck Palanlaiuk

“Everyone in the world is a little bitch, so we all should be smacking the hell out of each other more often.”

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM by William Shakespeare

“One chick whose name starts with an ‘H’ is as good as another…also, with the right drugs, even a total asshead can get some action.”

THE RAZOR’S EDGE by W. Somerset Maughm

“I have no idea what life’s about, but man, do I look good not knowing…”

COLLECTED WORKS OF JAMES JOYCE

“Being poor and Irish sucks, and to prove it, I’m going to force you to get a Master’s degree.”

I’ll do a Volume 3 sometime (after I’ve read a few more books—heh),

JG