Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Mon May 25

05/25/09 - PASTBLAST - Things I’ve Always Wanted to Hear in Bed

Things I’ve Always Wanted to Hear In Bed

(Saving back the new stuff for tomorrow night’s TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE [9pm @ Kelly’s Irish Pub—don’t miss it!], but in the meantime, here’s another piece from the Word of Mouth / Speak Easy days…)        

Hello, I’m James Gates.  And these are a few of the things I’ve always wanted to hear in bed.

  • I would like a lady to spontaneously begin reciting the U.S. President’s names during sex.  They get extra credit if they’re in order—extra special credit for the precise phrase “Grover Cleveland a second time”.
  • I would honestly enjoy a rousing rendition of “The Chattanooga Choo-Choo” during coitus.  I can do the low harmony part too, if it helps.
  • The following phrase, whispered in my ear during foreplay: “I, Helen Keller, offer my body to you willingly.  I can’t see or hear what you’re doing to me, but it feels great.”
  • “I’ve taken damage!  Main shields are down!”  That actually has happened, but I wanted to get that out there, so it can happen again.
  • “Do you know what she did?  Your cunting daughter?”  (In general, a Reagan McNeil from The Exorcist impersonation is great, but especially with that line worked in…)
  • Some sort of request for “the Double Swirl”.  I don’t know if such a move actually exists or not, but if I hear a lady say that during sex, I’ll make up something on the spot.  I can do that.

…And of course, random lists and ventriloquism.  Thank you for your time—I’m James Gates.

See you tomorrow night @ Kelly’s!

JG