Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Thu May 21

05/21/09 - PASTBLAST - Things I’d Like to Yell From the Bathroom 1

Things I’d Like to Yell From the Bathroom 1

          (Okay… this was a pseudo-confessional piece from the Word of Mouth / Speak Easy Open Mic days—basically, as I told the audience at the time, these are kind of things that I just feel like screaming out to the world sometimes… not to a particular person, or any person, really; the ideal scenario for me would to be alone on top of a hill or in some remote field, just bellowing.  Barring that option, I figured going into the bathroom with the microphone was the next best thing.  So that’s what I did, and it seemed to go over pretty darn good all things considered.  Enjoy!)

  • I AM AN EXTREMELY ARTICULATE IDIOT!
  • I AM ALSO A BRAYING JACKASS MOST OF THE TIME!
  • I ACTUALLY WORRY ABOUT SABOTAGING MYSELF TO THE POINT OF SELF-SABOTAGE!
  • I’M THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD AND JUST COVERED THE LARGEST WALL IN MY APARTMENT WITH POSTERS, AND I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT!
  • THIS IS THE BEST I’VE EVER LOOKED IN MY LIFE, AND SO FAR, IT HAS DONE ME LITTLE TO NO GOOD!
  • WHENEVER I MEET SOMEONE NEW, THE FIRST TWO TIMES I RUN INTO THEM, I THINK WE’RE COOL.  THIRTEEN OF THE NEXT SIXTEEN TIMES I SEE THEM AFTER THAT, I’M CONVINCED THEY HATE ME!
  • I’D LIKE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX NOW.  ANYTIME WOULD BE FINE… TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT…
  • I SOMETIMES WORRY MY EXTREMLY DESENSITIZED SENSE OF HUMOR COMES FROM AN OVERALL LACK OF VICTIMIZATION THAT ONLY BEING A STRAIGHT WHITE MALE CAN BRING!
  • ABORTED CHINK BABIES GETTING RAPED AT AUSCHWITZ—I LOVE IT!  ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE FATTIES OR CRIPPLES!
  • I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN CONVINCED THAT I AM DOING ENOUGH!  I AM, HOWEVER, USUALLY CONVINCED THAT I’M DOING THE WRONG THING, SO MAYBE IT BALANCES OUT!
  • STOP BUTT-FUCKING ME IN MY SLEEP, FRED PHELPS!
  • I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN!  I FEEL LIKE I’M SPEAKING IN CLICKS LIKE A BUSHMAN FROM THE KALAHARI!
  • IS THIS REALLY WHAT LIFE IS LIKE?  SERIOUSLY?  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
  • I SPEND EVERY DAY FEELING TWO WAYS:  EITHER SUPERHUMAN OR THE BIGGEST FOOL IN THE WORLD!  AND IT’S NOT A 50/50 SPLIT!
  • I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE A BOOGER HANGING!

If you enjoyed that, trust me, there’s plenty more where that came from…

JG