Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.

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Tue May 19

05/19/09 - Just To Clear Up a Few Things

Just To Clear Up a Few Things

So, keen observers may have noticed the cover article in the Sunday Eagle’s Arts section (www.kansas.com/entertainment/story/815630.html) about the burgeoning indie comedy scene here in Wichita, and well, a whole bunch of me… I mean, trying to deny it or pretend it wasn’t is just silly, stupid, or false modesty, which is both. But, with all due respect to Mr. Dilts, I do want to take a moment to clear up a couple of points. Not to say I was misquoted or anything—there’s just a few things I don’t think came across…

· First of all, marijuana does NOT make you hear voices in your head that weren’t already there. It simply makes the asshole voice in charge of your head take a back seat for a while. That’s okay; it’s what God created it for.

· Secondly, Jesus does not fuck your toes every night in your sleep. That is simply untrue. That only happens on Toefuck Thursday, the traditional midpoint between Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. These days, Toefuck Thursday is observed only by extreme Mel Gibson Catholics, so most of you have nothing to fear.

· I want to make it very clear, right here, right now—if asked, my answer is “Chewbacca” or “Hawkman”. That’s for 95% of all questions asked of me. In fact, upon further reflection, you will see that “Chewbacca” or “Hawkman” is as good an answer as any for most every question that will come up in your life.

· The funniest thing I’ve heard in the last week was a clip on CNN of a gangbanger from a homemade DVD to be shown to potential “rats” or “narcs” in the event of them being called as a witness in a court case— “And if you’re a [BLEEP]ing rat, I hope you catch AIDS in the mouth, and your lip’s the first thing to die…” (Why? Let’s go with “Hawkman”…)

· And finally, contrary to popular belief, yes, there is a Blowjob Fairy. And as soon as I figure out just what was under my pillow that night, I will tell the world, and my contribution to humankind will be complete.

So there you go. I hope this helps to clear up any confusion, and provides you enough information to make an informed decision. On what I have no clue, but hey, it’s not my decision anyway…

Leasing the dream,