Notes From the Whirlpool

Hey there! Sit down, have a drink. We should get acquainted…
Me? I’m JAMES GATES. What’s that? Well, that’s a tricky question…You might call me a Wichita…what? Character? Fixture? Gargoyle? I don’t know for sure… I’ve lived in the Wichita area almost 79% of my life. Most of the time I haunt Delano and the Old Town district like they were my own personal Whitechapel—you may only catch glimpses of me, floating in the background at a bar, a show or an art opening, but there are traces of me everywhere. (Wow, that didn’t sound creepy at all, did it?) I’ve been around long enough to have met some people… And let’s face it, I’m recognizable. I’m six and a half feet tall, rail-thin with blond hair, goatee and yellow-tinted glasses—I look like the three-way love child of Andy Dick, Shaggy, and Lurch from The Addams Family.
If there’s one thing I’ve been known for over the years, it’s random, bizarre, goofy shit. Tales are still told of the time I staged a re-enactment of the Oswald assassination in front of the Bohemian Bean Co., or when I held an impromptu white-slavery raffle to pay my rent… After awhile, it just seemed a natural to go semi-pro, which I did in 2006 with the sketch comedy group PANIC BUTTONS. I’ve been performing on stages and microphones throughout the Wichita area ever since, pursuing the goal of building a live, local comedy scene. In March 2007 I started doing THE JAMES GATES SHOW, a live comedy experience based around A) the late-night talk show format, and B) a whole bunch of me. And the rest is, well, the stuff of much confusion…
Anyway, this is my log. I get to write about anything I want, anytime. I like that. Hope you do too.
Sun May 10

05/10/09 - JG SHOW Season 2 Condom Sponsors

JG Show Season Two Condom Sponsors

          Regular viewers and keen observers of the JAMES GATES SHOW may have noticed a number of recurring themes or bits that come up (beyond the now-semi-infamous audience surveys and games like “Duck Duck Rape”)… Case in point:  All throughout Season Two (2008), in the Sponsors section of each show, we added a shout-out to a different fictional brand of condoms.  It’s a perfect example of one of the little things I love doing for the show, but was also one of the easiest to miss—turn to talk to your buddy for ten seconds, and it’s already happened.  So for anyone who didn’t catch them the first time around, here’s a recap…

          The James Gates Show is brought to you by:

  • New Conquistador brand condoms.  Conquistador—the one with the funny little sweeping helmet at the tip.
  • New 300 brand condoms, based on 2007’s romantic comedy… 300—the condom that fights hard and eventually fails.  Try it with the sped-up CGI effects!
  • New Safety Orange brand condoms, inspired by the sport closest to ejaculation, outdoor game hunting.  Safety Orange—so they always see you coming.
  • New Old Glory brand condoms—the only line of condoms based on the many different flags America has adopted over the years… Try them all, from “Don’t Tread on Me” Ultra-Thin to the “All 50” with No-Lube!  Old Glory— for protecting your Bald Eagle.
  • New Fred Phelps brand condoms—the most trusted name in ruining sex for over forty years.  Fred Phelps—the best argument yet for birth control.
  • New Snuffaluffagus brand condoms, the extra-strength condom specially made for the “imaginary friend” you meet in the back alley.   Snuffaluffagus—for the ass that nobody believes you get.
  • New Number Two brand condoms—the only condom with the special graphite tip, suitable for scribbling, doodling, or vaginal cave drawing.  Remember, before you get going, go for a Number Two.
  • New Ramen Noodle brand condoms, the only condom that comes in the handy 8-for-a-dollar package.  Ramen Noodles—no, they don’t taste great, but they’ll do the job in a pinch.
  • New Burning Man brand condoms, the only condom with the special dried balsa wood tip, for easy lighting at the end of festivities.  Remember, before you get burnt, get yourself a Burning Man.

Next JG SHOW is this Tuesday, May 12th, as part of the TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE (if you haven’t made it out yet, now’s the time—only two more REVUEs before our summer hiatus!

Part 2 of Emil St. Sherbernaise is coming this week, I promise,

JG