05/06/09 - PASTBLAST - Lamentations of the Inner Beast
Lamentations of the Inner Beast
(Another piece from the Vagabond Open Mic days… Someone mentioned it a couple of days back, and I was reminded again when somebody else compared me to “almost Thor”, which while hugely flattering to my geek ass, truthfully doesn’t quite nail it… too often I feel like this guy…)
Stupid Banner
You know, it always like this
Puny Banner freaks out and hides
And Hulk wakes up in middle of shitstorm!
Hulk doesn’t get nice hello
Or morning cup of coffee
No, Hulk has to start bashing helicopters immediately
HULK JUST WOKE UP!!
Just what Hulk always dreamed of
Spending all Hulk’s time pulling
Banner’s ass out of fire…
What’d you do this time?
No, no—Hulk call bullshit!
Puny Banner did something
That’s why Hulk’s here
Banner know that as goddamn well as Hulk do…
Wait a minute
Where Banner’s fiancé?
Oh, well Banner sure shit in the casserole this time, didn’t you?
Don’t give Hulk that!
Puny Banner’s a fucking atomic scientist
Or geneticist or whatever they’re saying these days
You’re telling Hulk puny Banner didn’t see any of this coming?
Whatever…
So now what?
No, let Hulk guess
Puny, wussy Banner is gonna hide away, again,
And he’s only gonna come out
To make Hulk sing along to depressing albums
“Hulk feel fine and Hulk feel good
Hulk feel like Hulk never should
Whenever Hulk gets this way
Hulk just don’t know what to say”—SHUT UP!!
Meanwhile, Hulk is left holding the bag!
Think Hulk any better equipped for this shit?
Hulk perplexed like a motherfucker!
Hulk despair!
Hulk gnash teeth often!
Hulk look in mirror and not know what to think anymore!
Hulk hit on women, badly!
Hulk’s a mess!
That’s why Banner always warns ladies
“Don’t get me sexy.
You wouldn’t like me when I’m sexy.”
Sure, Hulk is the strongest there is
For all the good it does
Puny humans don’t understand Hulk
They send Hulk to the desert
Why does Hulk always have to go to the desert?
Hulk not Jesus!
Hulk would look awful with that hairstyle!
Hulk sorry
It just gets on Hulk’s tits, you know?
Puny Banner gets to be all “sensitive male”
And what, Hulk’s supposed to be some Joe Fixit to the world?
Well, Banner can kiss Hulk’s natural green ass!
(storms off; turns around)
Look, Hulk really sorry
It’s not you, it’s Hulk
It’s just… dammit, Banner knows Hulk has abandonment issues!
(storms off again)
END
Next: Part 2 of Life and Times of Emil St. Sherbernaise (tomorrow-ish),
JG
