Notes From the Whirlpool

10/25/09 - PASTBLAST - Man of My Dreams

Man of my Dreams

(Another piece from the “early days”—this is the second monologue I wrote during the PANIC BUTTONS run of 2006 for myself, as myself…while I did adore portraying celebrities such as Charlton Heston and Jimmy Stewart, just saying insane s#!t, there was something a little special about the quasi-autobiographical ones…anyway, hope you enjoy.)

This is about the man of my dreams.

When I was twelve years old, I was sent to this summer day camp at one of those circular-shaped east side schools that looks more like a church from the outside.  One afternoon they had us make dream journals.  We all got construction paper to fold and staple into little booklets.  We were told to illustrate the covers with recurring imagery from our dreams.  I remember a sword on one kid’s; another drew himself in flight.  But when I thought of the visions that haunted my nights, I could think of only one…the man of my dreams… 

That’s right—the incomparable, the unmistakable, the eternally eerie Donald Sutherland.  This is an early model Sutherland, 1978 to be exact, from the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  This model came with permed hair, moustache, and a piercing screech that scared the piss right out of my prepubescent body.  It would be this Donald Sutherland, of all the Donald Sutherlands, that would visit my sleeping mind most often.

And you know, I never even saw the whole movie.  I always caught it on TV, and always just the second half, when everything had already gone to hell and they were on the run from Leonard Nimoy.  But the mark of Sutherland was already upon me.

As time went by, and I was introduced to new nightmares, Mr. Sutherland retreated into the background.  He never left me; more like he became a regular cameo.  There he was, reading in an impossibly long bookstore, as I looked out the window at penguins practicing dance moves for the next New Kids on the Block concert.  Were the penguins the New Kids on the Block?  And what about stately Wayne Manor, where I was standing just seconds earlier?  Mr. Sutherland provided no answers.  But I always knew he had my back.  When Satan attacked the back porch of my house, it was Donald (and Captain Kirk) that helped me defend the homestead.  And when the occasion called for it, I actually BECAME Donald Sutherland, unnamed cabbie driving a partially-submerged taxi, waging an underground war against the Vampire Queen of New York.  My dream man wasn’t scary anymore. 

In fact, I started seeing him everywhere.  He was in a bunch of my favorite war movies, usually as the Weird Guy.  Then he became the Concerned Guy, which lost flavor with repeated servings in the eighties.  Then, in the nineties, his hair went grey, and the world saw Mr. Sutherland with fresh eyes. The roles poured in!  He played Old Guys, Government Guys, Crazy Guys, Crazy Old Guys, Old Government Guys, and yes, even Crazy Government Guys.  And if Tommy Lee Jones didn’t get first pick of all Crazy Old Government Guys by federal law, I’m sure Mr. Sutherland would have that sewn up too.

I don’t remember so many dreams these days.  But when I think about them, I like to think there’s a Sutherland there.  Young, old, permed—even the latter-day Sutherland, with his slight pudge and constant smirk.  I’ll always make a space for him.  It’s the least we can all do.  After all, the man gave us his son to save us from international terrorism.

97% true,

JG

10/21/09 - Random and Recent 8

Random and Recent 8

BUSY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN — RANDOM LIST #3983 — JUST AN OBSERVATION, #229 — QUOTE OF THE WEEK — A DAMN CLOSE SECOND

Busy Days Are Here Again (Comedy Calendar)

As I write this, the “fall season” of local comedy shows has begun… with last week’s TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE at Rock Island Live and yesterday’s debut of the 99 CENT OPEN MIC at Blue Lounge, over 100 souls have been touched, moved, and sullied by local performers so far this month.  Between those shows and the standing ICT COMEDY gigs at Blu Nightclub and Bristol’s Tavern, Tuesday nights in Wichita have effectively been claimed for comedy!  (Well, somebody had to do it—God knows there’s nothing on TV…)

And things just keep rolling from here… the following is a mostly-complete list of upcoming shows of note:

·      SAT 10/24:  MEN’S SCRAPBOOKING CLUB (3-man sketch comedy troupe from WSU)

@ “The Battle Arena”, 1744 S. Mission – Show starts @ 7:45pm(?)

·      TUES 10/27:  ICT COMEDY (Standup, with Eric Sharpe, Daniel Pewewardy, & me)

@ Blu Nightclub, Maple & Tyler – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      TUES 10/27 & WED 10/28:  NORM MACDONALD (Standup)

@ the Loony Bin, 21^st & Woodlawn – Shows start @ 8:00pm (late show Wed @10:30pm)

·      TUES 11/03:  ICT COMEDY (Standup, with Lamont James, Chris Winslow, & Deonde Crawford)

@ Bristol’s Tavern, 426 E. 61^st N., Park City – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      SAT 11/07:  THE SCALLYWAGS’s 10^th Annual Anti-Social (Show / Party)

LOCATION & TIME TBA – www.piratecomedy.com

·      TUES 11/10: TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE (feat. the ScallyWags, Romie Lee, & more!)

@ Rock Island Live, 101 N. Rock Island – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      THURS 11/12:  JAMES GATES SHOW #315 (“The Sensitive Male Show”)

@ the Donut Whole, 1720 E. Douglas – Show starts @ 9:00pm

·      FRI 11/13:  BOB & TOM COMEDY ALL-STARS (Standup)

@ the Cotillion, 11120 W. Kellogg – Show starts @ 8:00pm

·      TUES 11/17:  99 CENT OPEN MIC (Standup/improv/music/spoken word/whatever)

@ the Blue Lounge, 608 E. Douglas – Starts @ 9:30pm

…That enough to keep you in the funny?  I’ll keep you updated as we head into December!

Random List #3983

MOVIE-BASED VIDEO GAMES I’D LIKE TO SEE

·      Steel Magnolias

·      Moulin Rouge

·      Fried Green Tomatoes

·      The Green Mile

·      I Am Sam

·      The Graduate

·      Blue Velvet

·      Mystic River

·      The Color Purple

·      Philadelphia

·      Requiem for a Dream

·      Schindler’s List

·      Blair Witch Project

·      Dirty Dancing

·      Brokeback Mountain

·      Birth of a Nation

·      Stand and Deliver (or Dangerous Minds, if Edward James Olmos isn’t hot enough for you)

·      New Jack City

·      Lorenzo’s Oil

·      Eyes Wide Shut

·      Beaches

·      To Kill a Mockingbird

·      Gummo

·      Say Anything

·      Roots

·      Captain Ron

·      March of the Penguins

·      Dead Poets Society

·      Brian’s Song

…and then some cream on the top…

·      Capcom vs. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

·      Ninja Sling Blade

·      Lilo & Stitch: Vice City

·      Rock Band – Spinal Tap

·      Dance Dance Amistad

Just an Observation, #229

The rules for describing a less-than-glamorous state (U.S. state, not “state of mind”) and describing a less-than-gorgeous lady are similar, but work in opposite ways.  This came up when somebody asked “What’s the best thing you can say about Arkansas?”, and the collective response was “It’s pretty to drive through”… “But is it interesting—does it have any personality?”  “Oh, well, it’s very pretty, especially driving through the Ozarks…”  (Notice how there’s no mention of actually stopping…)

So there you have it.  Ugly girls have great personalities, and stupid states look beautiful, as long as you don’t have to stay.  And that’s today’s peek into the humanity’s awful nature, brought to you by the letter “G”…

Quote of the Week

“Comedians are the monkeys of show business.  You go to the zoo, and everybody likes to see the monkeys, right?  Because they jerk off, play with their own shit, that kind of thing.  Some people actually believe that when they turn off their TV, I just lie down in the box.  The other day it started raining, and this young boy yelled ‘Tracy Morgan, what you doin’ out in the rain?’  Motherfucker, life hits me in the face just like it does you.”

—Tracy Morgan

A Damn Close Second

“I stand here today humbled by the task before dofus kamas, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our cheap dofus kamas. I thank President dofus for his service to buy dofus kamas, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.”

—a comment left on my NAKED CITY blog (what it’s in reference to I have no clue, but I love a good bewilderment…)

This week’s codeword is “velvety”,

JG

10/10/09 - Wichita Comedy LIVES! Part 3 (With A Vengeance)

Wichita Comedy LIVES! Part 3 (With A Vengeance)

So here we are in October, with most of the year already behind us.  And I gotta say it—I’m very pleased.  (Actually, I would say I am Chief John Engorged Red Bear, but that probably doesn’t mean anything to you, unless you work at one of the local pizza joints I order from…)

The Wichita comedy scene continues to build, expand, and sharpen, with no real limits in sight.  The hopeful vision I had for my comrades and I at the beginning of this year has more or less come to fruition… first, by banding together as the TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE, we had some of the biggest exposure and audiences that any of our projects had thus far garnered.  Along with that, we took the first steps towards building a true community amongst the comedic performers in the area, regardless of genre.  Cooperation and mutual support is hardly a novel concept, but it has to start somewhere, and so it did this spring with the REVUE.

As we headed into summer, we put the REVUE on hiatus to concentrate on our individual projects.  Among the successes of the summer:

• SAY WHAT?, Wichita’s only established improvisation troupe, found a “home base” and welcoming audience, performing a series of shows at Mead’s Corner in Old Town.
• ICT COMEDY continued their monthly “summer patio series” at Blu Nightclub, and found a northern outpost for standup at Bristol’s Tavern in Park City, as well as sending several local standups to perform gigs in smaller towns all around Kansas.
• THE SCALLYWAGS, along with helping organize and run local events such as Anime Fest in July and the Great Plains Ren Faire in September, continued their summer tradition of hitting the Ren Faire circuit, travelling as far as Sioux Falls and Pittsburg to bring their scurvy-ridden flavor of sketch comedy to the people.
• Also, special mention is due to CASEY CHAMBERS, possibly the only area performer stranger than me, for taking the initiative and booking his own series of one-man shows in local coffeehouses, to delighted and bewildered audiences.

And as we head into the fall, we’re going to keep it rolling!

The new season of the TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE is starting up October 13^th  in its new downtown home, Rock Island Live…pulling its acts from a pool that includes almost every gigging performer in town, the REVUE will continue to serve as a multi-genre showcase of the best and brightest comedians the ICT has to offer!

Our first show this season will feature Mr. Biggs as host, with standups Jeremy Rush and Eric Sharpe, improv from Say What?, the first James Gates Show since May (with special guest Tony Ngo), and musical “bookends” by local favorite Scott Allan Knost!  9PM at Rock Island Live—be there!

But that’s not all that’s on tap… in the interests of creating more stage time and outlets for comedy, both for ourselves and for the performers who will follow in our footsteps, we’ve started a second project— the 99 CENT OPEN MIC at the lovely Blue Lounge, Old Town’s only comedy-based Open Mic!  Starting Tuesday, Oct. 20^th, every 3^rd Tuesday of the month until the end of the year, we’re setting up shop for local comedic performers, musicians, spoken-word artists, and the like!  Our goal is to create a laboratory of sorts, free of the constraints of the comedy club and/or theater environments, a place where performers can try ideas and material they may not have a chance to do anywhere else in town, as welcoming to newcomers as to the seasoned veteran.  (And no, I’m not referring to myself; I still consider myself in the process of sharpening/refining my comedy.  I’m shouting out to my brothers and sisters who’ve been on the front lines longer than me, and there’s more than you might think…)

So if you’re a performer looking for a new outlet for what you do, or you have an interest in seeing what’s on the edge of Wichita comedy, come on down!  The price is in fact right…

·      Tues, Oct.20^th

·      Tues, Nov. 17^th

·      Tues, Dec. 15^th

…And while I’m at it, I’d be remiss not to mention my own solo project… the next full-length JAMES GATES SHOW is Thursday, November 12^th at the Donut Whole.  The theme is “The Sensitive Male Show”—if you’re a fan of grown men crying (admit it, you kinky bastards), this is the show for you!

And with that, I shall leave you for now…I’ve still got a lot of crying and self-loathing to get done this weekend,

JG

09/29/09 - Things I'd Like To Yell From the Bathroom 3

Things I’d Like to Yell from the Bathroom 3

Alright…  Here we go with Part 3 of the “Things I’d Like To Yell From the Bathroom” series…if you haven’t read either of the first two (http://jamesgates.tumblr.com/post/111307664 , http://jamesgates.tumblr.com/post/141036141 ) it’s pretty straightforward—sometimes, there’s things that you’d just like to scream out to the whole world.  Thing is, that doesn’t mean you want the world looking at you while you’re doing it.  My solution?  Take a microphone into the bathroom with you, and start yelling…  (BE ADVISED:  adult language of a surprisingly venomous nature follows…)

• THE ONLY THING MY MOTHER EVER SUGGESTED TO ME FOR A CAREER WAS DENTISTRY!  THAT IS IT!

• I AM ADDICTED TO PICKING SOCIAL SCABS!

• I’M NOT HERE TO LIVE YOUR LIES!  MY LIES ARE MORE COMPELLING THAN YOURS ANYWAY!

• I WOULD SLAP A PUPPY AND A NEWBORN BABY IN THE FACE WITH MY DICK FOR JUST ONE GOOD BACKRUB!

• I SPEND MORE ON MY SEX BUDGET THAN LAUNDRY, WHICH MAY BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE!

• TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING BLACK COMMIE INDIE-KID TRAIN ENGINEER CAP!  YOU LOOK LIKE RADIOHEAD HAD AN ABORTION!

• STOP THINKING I’M HAVING THAT MUCH SEX, BECAUSE I’M NOT!  BUT DAMMIT, I SHOULD BE!

• WHY WASN’T I THERE?  BECAUSE EVERYONE ASSUMES I WAS ALREADY INVITED, YOU ASSHOLES!

• I AM MY CATS’ BITCH!  JUST A CAT BITCH!

• I’D LIKE WOMEN TO STOP USING THE WORD “DAMAGE” IN REFERENCE TO MY PENIS!

• YOU, IN THE SHORT-SLEEVED COUNTRY/WESTERN SHIRT – YOU’RE A BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BITCH WAITING TO HAPPEN!

• YES, I LIKE DEPECHE MODE!  AND FUCK YOU!!

• I AM THE BLACKEST PERSON IN THE ROOM, UNTIL A BLACK PERSON COMES IN THE ROOM—THEN I’M “THAT GUY”!

• I LIKE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHEN I FART!  IT’S BEST WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT’S HAPPENING HALFWAY THROUGH!

• I WANT TO SEE STEVEN HAWKING ON THE NEXT “DANCING WITH THE STARS”!  I WANNA SEE THAT BITCH DO THE CHARLESTON!

Looking back, this one was particularly salty-mouthed; curious…

JG

(P.S.:  The TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE returns on Oct. 13^th @ Rock Island Live—get your asses ready now, ‘cause we’re gonna knock you on ‘em!)

09/16/09 - Snapshot 4 - Kanye West Bit, 09/15

Snapshot 4 – Kanye West Bit, 09/15

The following is, to the best of my memory, a transcript of one of the bits I performed last night at the ICT COMEDY show at Blue Lounge…and if you weren’t there, it’s time to start rethinking your priorities.  Seriously—if you have THE OFFICE on DVD, that means you can watch it anytime!  Get your ass off the couch and be part of the real world!  We’re waiting for you… (Be advised: adult language follows.)

==================================

For those of you who don’t know, my name is James Gates.  I’m the “alternative” comedian of ICT COMEDY…which usually means I’m the guy they have go on first, just in case the shit goes wrong.  But tonight they let me go last, which is cool, because I’ve been fucking with all the other comedians all night, telling them I’m gonna pull a Kanye during their bit—“I’m gonna let you get back to it in a minute, but first I just wanna say, Biggs’s bit on bacon is better than this!”

(Incidentally, trying saying “Biggs’s bit on bacon is better” 10 times fast… see, everybody thinks this is an easy job—hell, we’re coming up with new tongue twisters, just for you…)

Let me ask, by show of hands or applause, who saw or heard about what Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the VMAs this past weekend? (pause; most everyone applauds) Okay, now how many of you felt what Kanye did was stupid or wrong? (pause; everyone applauds again) Alright, one more question:  Why do you care?

I mean, seriously— there’s four black people in the room currently…I’m gonna take a gamble and say nobody here is related to Kanye West.  It’s not like you can be personally embarrassed by what he did…so why do you care what the hell he did to whoever?  I say let the man do his job.  Why?  Because he’s the Thomas Edison of fucking up, that’s why!  He’s brilliant!  He is constantly coming up with new and exciting ways to fuck it up, and testing them out on an audience of millions.  It’s beautiful!

I mean, do you know what it means when the President calls you a jackass, in public?  That’s like the Purple Heart of fucking up!  It’s the highest honor a civilian can attain in that particular field, and Kanye got it!  I am riveted!  I’m just sitting back, like “Go, man, go!  I have no idea how you’re gonna top this one, but I have faith in your abilities!  Whatever you want—ride a giraffe naked through Times Square, hijack an airplane, go piss on the Queen of England, kill the Loch Ness Monster…I don’t care, let’s DO this!!”

And it could just be September’s a bad month for him… ‘cause I don’t know if you remember, but Kanye ran into some trouble about this time last year.  There was a whole controversy about him attacking some paparazzi in an airport on September 11^th.  Let’s go over that one more time— he went apeshit, and attacked a bunch of people with cameras, inside an AIRPORT, on SEPT. 11^TH… that is a brilliant stroke of fucking up!  Beat THAT, O.J. Simpson!

And by the way, if you actually feel sorry for Taylor Swift in all of this, you’re a fucking idiot, straight up… First of all, she just won an award; no matter what else happened, she left that night with a trophy— think she’s losing sleep over what Kanye West thinks of her?  And second, she’s probably gonna sell an extra 10,000 records this week, just out of sympathy.  Sympathy!!  And she’s a country music star, so that means her main demographic is lower-to-middle income, blue collar workers.  People living hand-to-mouth and worried about layoffs are gonna be spending their money because they feel sorry for a skinny white bitch from Hollywood that makes more money than God!  MORE MONEY THAN GOD!!

I can’t stress that last part enough— ‘cause little-known fact:  God didn’t do it for the money.  He did it for the love…

===================================

And for the record, I don’t care what you say about 808s & Heartbreaks, there were still a couple of bangers on there,

JG

P.S.: The TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY REVUE is returning with new shows in October— dates to be announced soon!